Forgot to tell you. I need money for the week.

What?

I really believe what just happened. I'm at loss for words. Seriously, what has happened in these pass few weeks? Everything was picture perfect. Well, I guess not. I'm gonna just sit in a corner & sob.

Worst birthday ever.

Enough said.

It's my birthday weekend.

I don't think I have never been so unexcited for my birthday in my life. There's not much to do for it anyway. Except I am going into the city today. Lamest birthday EVER.

It's been a long time.

So it has been a while since I posted on here. I guess I just forgot about this thing. Plus, I really don't like writing everything down. I feel that if I actually say what's on my mind it'll be better for my own good. But that hasn't happened lately. My best friend has disappeared from my life. I have my friends but I really don't have someone to pick my brain or speak to like I do with him. Him & I have a pretty special relationship in my eyes. I don't even know what he's thinking anymore. He legit won't talk to me. I'm completely destroyed. & it's not like I have anyone to really speak to anyway. Plus my birthday is soon & it's sucking already. I have nothing to do for my birthday weekend. What the hell?! I've always loved my birthday & now I'm starting to hate it. It's been shitty for the pass two years. I don't even ask for much either. I didn't even ask for anything for my birthday. I actually can't think of anything to ask for. Well, there is one thing but I don't feel like getting into that. Everything is just a downward spiral at this point. I keep feeling more & more alone as the days go by. I want my city life back. I love my city life. I never have much to worry about when I'm in that wonderful city Manhattan. I want my Starbucks & all those wonderful stores. I want hockey back. I want Entourage back. & I want Dexter. Okay, maybe I do ask for a little too much. But honestly, I just want sugar daddys & white roses for my birthday. Maybe that's a little too much as well. This summer was terrible. I did absolutely nothing but work. I went to like two shows. The only high light was that Jared Leto ran his fingers through my hair. & yes, I almost died. But I remembered to breathe! Which is a good thing. No asthma attacks were present. I just want my life back to the way it used to be. The daily phone calls & texts from my best friend, city life, my beloved friends tearing up Manhattan, the Starbucks. I want my simple city girl life. I'm starting to learn that I am asking for too much. I don't even wanna acknowledge my birthday at this point. I just want that day to pass & act like it never happened. The series of these crappy events over the pass couple of weeks have pretty much ruined everything. The drama, the lies, all the stupidity is just making me slowly but surely breakdown. & I don't think things will get better unless I get the apology & explanation that I want & deserve. Again, I'm asking for too much. I just need some cupcakes to make everything better. Damn, I haven't had cupcakes in ages when I actually think about it. Too bad that the cupcakes I eat are in MANHATTAN! What the hell am I still doing in Jersey?! I applied for Hunter College yesterday, & I am praying that I get in. God, that would be a gift from God if I go there. No more Jersey people, just straight up city kids living the life. & I hope to be living there no later than a year & a half of going to school in the city. Then I would FINALLY live the life I've always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. I've always wanted to go to school in the city, live in the city in the midst of it, have an amazing career in Manhattan, have this "prince charming" that they all mention in those fairy tales that I never really fell for. Well, expect "prince charming" wouldn't be there. Well I hope he would be down here by then. But at the rate everything is going, I don't even know what's going on anymore. Seriously, when is everything gonna go back to NORMAL?! I want my normal days back. UGH. I need to get out of this rut I'm in. I just wanna know when everything is going to be okay. My dude is falling apart. He doesn't have to tell me. I already know. & I can't doing anything about it since he's not speaking to me. Christ, I can't find anything to really do to make this stupid rut I'm in to go away. I need some form of escapism, & I need it fast.