I'm the Cowardly Lion.

Last night, I came to realize why I'm not sleeping at night & bawling my eyes out: I don't have the courage to say the things that I wanna say. This might be hard to believe. I'm the type of girl that has more balls than guys the majority of the time. I'm a firecracker. I got something to say & say it. I don't have hair on my tongue, so to speak. I noticed that I don't have courage when I wanna be brutally honest when it comes to how I feel. There's just so much I wanna say to a specific person. Every time I tell myself that I'm gonna say what I wanna say, I always back down. It shouldn't be hard to say what I wanna say, I trust this person with my life. There's just something holding me back. I'm scared of him. Now this shouldn't be, but it's not like a bad scare. I guess you can say it's a good scare in a way. But then again how can being scared of someone be a good thing? I just get scared when I wanna be honest with someone & put my heart on the table for you to look & poke at. But being that honest makes you vulnerable. & I don't like being vulnerable whatsoever. I know the more I push back saying how of feel the more it's going to bother me. I just gotta figure out how I'm gonna have the balls to say something. Only time will tell.

Boy, I love hockey.

I found my escapism: hockey. Last week and this weekend wasn't the best for me & I needed escapism. My escapism was last night at one of my favorite places in the world, Madison Square Garden. My first hockey game was a success I should say. I was beyond close, I was on TV, I saw my Marc Staal in the flesh, I had men in hockey uniforms, I fist pumped like a champ & screamed like a dude, & I managed to make a professional hockey player blush. Those seats were beyond amazing. Fifth row behind Rangers bench. Now I'm not a Rangers fan, but still that is something to freak out over. Never did I think in a million years my first hockey game would be at the Garden with those seats. Our seats were so good & expensive that we had a waiter. That's right, we didn't have to get up for food. Which is pretty kick ass, makes you feel like a spoiled rich kid not gonna lie. & our waiter totally ignored us thee entire game. She definitely thought I was like fifteen & waiting for my mommy & daddy to come bring me food. This woman would legit look at me & then walk away. If she was waiting for me to wave my hand & ask for food, that wasn't gonna happen. That's beyond rude to look at waiter & say get me food. She went up to everyone else but us. She was starving poor children! It wasn't like I was hungry anyway. I was way to nervous to eat something. I was calmer than expected & I didn't pass out. Even though the Rangers lost 4-3, it was still a pretty good game. They had a rough start in the beginning like always but they eventually picked up the slack in the third like they always do. & I have to say Marc Staal possibly has one of the prettiest head of red hair that I have seen in a while. I was completely jealous of how bright & red that hair was. It was gorgeous! Plus he was checking guys like the hard hitter that he is. He made me so proud! & of course I had to make my mark by making poor Mats Zuccarello blush! I still feel bad about that to this moment. Little Mats is really short for a hockey player. We're talking 5'7" over here. So when he went to the wall to get over to sit on the bench, he was so short that he had to put his chest down first then put one leg on the wall & then hop so he can get the other leg over. Of course, I, out of all the people in the world would sit there & point this out. So there was one point in the game that he was looking up & I was showing one of the girls what he had to do to get over the wall. & of course, he turned brighter than a tomato! He probably thought I was making fun of him when I actually thought it was the cutest thing on the planet. The poor kid would look at me every time he would come back to the bench & he would go through the door. Now that's embarrassing on both of our parts. But only would I get a professional hockey player to blush! & of course I was nervous as all hell. I watch hockey like it's a horror film. It's quite hilarious. I always think the worst of the worst is gonna happen to these guys, even though they have like the most amount of protective gear on. But all was well! I screamed like a dude & fist pumped like a champ. & I got my pizza from my favorite pizza shop in Manhattan on 46th. That was possibly thee best white slice I have ever had in this life time. It was love on a slice. Last night was pure bliss. It was something I needed to clear my head & make me feel absolutely at ease. Obviously I would have a few changes but those changes are gonna happen for a while. So I'll just have wait forever to have my perfect hockey game at the Garden: my best friend at my side, Rangers v. Bruins, fist pumping like a champ, pizza, nachos, pepsi, screaming like a dude, & high fiving & hand hugging with my buddy. But I'm obviously gonna have to keep dreaming. God knows where that kid is gonna move next. For all I know kid can be planning on move to the opposite side of the globe. Anyway enough of that. All I have to say is, I love hockey.

Something's missing & I don't know what it is.

Let the right one in.

So I haven't written in this all week. I've done nothing but ponder about my life & things that I wanna say. It's kinda funny that I have this little blog going on. I really don't have this posted anywhere. I'm a pretty private person & I don't tell people much. There's only a select few that I tell everything to, which brings me to what I am about to write. So earlier this week, on Tuesday, I was pretty much up all night crying. I'm not much of a crier. I only cry when I'm angry, frustrated or being honest. & for some reason I cry when it comes to my best friend. For those who know me know who I'm talking about but he'll remain nameless for now. I don't feel the need to drop names. But back to what I was saying. My best friend, he means the world to me. & does he know this? I hope so. & if he doesn't? Damn. I'm a terrible best friend for not expressing it too often, but I think I do that enough. Anyway. I was sitting up in my bed the other night listening to Kesha thinking about everything between my best friend & I. & it just brought me to tears. Now he didn't do anything but be possibly the most amazing human being in my life, I just get sensitive & emotional when it comes to the kid. It just feels that recently this kid has put some walls up. I don't know why because he practically tells me everything & I do the same with him. We legit don't hold anything back. The door doesn't exist. Actually the door is taken off the hinges and the hinges don't exist on the frame. That's how open we are with each other. & it kinda hurts to even think that he's holding back from me because I have never thought to do that to him in this life or think that he'd do that to me. He doesn't have to tell me something's up, I just know. Like come on, I'm his best friend. He can fake a smile & I'll see right through it. I can just tell when there's something up. I don't know what's bothering him but he's probably over analyzing something & thinking about the past. He's known to think about the past. & we've been having some random awkward silences on the phone. I don't understand how this could be. We never have awkward silences. We always have something to say. Normally after awkward silences something honest comes out, & that hasn't happened. & if there's a random silence it's because I'm pissed at him or it's 2am & I'm falling asleep on the phone while he's driving back to his place. It actually feels like he wants to talk about something but doesn't know how to bring it up or how to say it. I've felt like this for a while with him. I just have so much to say to him that I need to get it off my chest. There are times that I think about these things that I wanna say to him before I go to sleep & it just makes me breakdown & cry. I really don't think he understand how much he means to me & how much I love him. From day one, he's changed my life & taught me a thing or two about myself that I never knew. He's the only person that was able to break through these walls that I have up. It's kinda shocking when you have a guard up & never let it down & someone comes out of left field & breaks down these walls. I guess what gets me the most was that he's never around. It kinda sucks when you look to your left & to your right, & your best friend isn't standing at your side. That's possibly the worst thing ever. I know I always have him. There are just sometimes when I need him the most & he's not physically here. He's always there for me don't get me wrong, it's just that sometimes you wish you had your best friend there so you can cry on their shoulder. I'm sure if we had it our way, we'd be hanging out together pretty much everyday having pizza, fries, & a milkshake watching hockey. Or he'd be teaching me how to work those beyond confusing xbox controllers. Or he'd be making fun of me which he always does. & of course, I'd be making fun of him right back with the many voices I use when I make fun of him. All he has on me is the way I say water. But yeah, I feel that things have kinda changed with my buddy. & I think I miss him more than he misses me. & if that's the case, then that sucks. It's definitely safe to say that I'm practically head over heels in love with my best friend. I have no shame in that. & I don't even care if he reads this at this point. Not like he hasn't looked at my stuff randomly to see what I'm doing. I have nothing to hide from him. But there are times that I feel that he wants to like catch me in a lie or something & say "she's no good". Like he's trying to find something wrong with me. I'm just gonna stop right here. There's too much to say. All I know is, I picked a good one & I let the right one in.

When you grow a pear, you can call me back.

Sheer boredum.

I have nothing else better to do with my life besides watch hockey & Entourage. I seriously need to find something to do in my life to keep me entertained. I decorated the friendaversary notebook last night. & that took me about two hours but it was all worth it. That notebook is a knock out devoured in glitter! I knew that nail polish was gonna come in handy one day. Anyway. So I'm watching the Rangers game. I still can't believe that next week I'm going to a Rangers game. It's my first hockey game at the Garden with amazing seats. Yeah I'm gonna pass out for sure. I can't wait to first pump like a champ, freeze, eat nasty food & scream at the top of my lungs. It's gonna be a good time.

Come hungry, leave happy.

Today was completely unsuccessful. My aunt calls me to run an errand to go to Barnes & Noble. Totally made me happy when she told me that except that she wanted me to get her sex books? Now this wasn't awkward whatsoever. It was absolutely hilarious. My aunt would ask me to do such a thing. Gotta love the woman. But getting those books were scratched out & she wanted me to get this other book that is like nonexistent. So I made a trip down to 54th for no reason. But! On the bright side I got my cupcake from Crumbs! A red velvet cupcake to be exact. My absolute favorite. & after work I made a trip to one of my favorite places in the world, the NHL store. Oh my love for hockey! I went in with the mindset of getting a Penguins hoodie & of course, right next to the Pens hoodie was the Bruins hoodie. I was so indecisive of which to get. On top of that I was unsure of my size. I wasn't sure if I wanted the medium or the large. & it wasn't like I had enough time to try them on. So I got completely frustrated & left the store empty handed. Which I never do! I always leave that store with something in hand. I either leave with some wonderful hockey merch or with a cup of Starbucks in hand. Which the cup of Starbucks didn't happen either because I was so frustrated over the hoodie I was dreaming out all week. So I'm getting this hoodie on Tuesday when I have time to look around & try things on. I don't know which one to get. Knowing me, I'll get both of them. As well, I keep chickening out. I have never in my life chickened out so much. & the worst part about it's with my best friend. I never chicken with this kid in my life. I'm always open with my buddy & never second guess saying anything. But now I am? I don't get this. So if I speak to this child tonight, I'm not gonna chicken out for like the fifth time in a row. But still! I can't believe I'm chickening out. It's kinda bothering me. But on the bright side of all this madness aside from my cupcake, IHOP is for dinner. I'm so excited to have pancakes & egg white for dinner. Every time I go to IHOP it makes me think of the Breakfast Monkey. Best three minute cartoon I have ever seen in my life. But yeah, pancakes & egg whites for dinner equals there's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy.

I hate my job.

So I have this pathetic excuse of what I call a job. I can't complain. I work in the city. But the only enjoyment I get out of working at this law firm is the forty-five minutes bus ride into Manhattan, the twenty minute walk from Port Authority to 3rd Ave & that I have Starbucks right around the corner from me. Oh, & of course I love that cash that worsens my shopping addiction. & seriously, my love for shopping is a bit of a problem. Just ask my best friend about it. I can drop over 250 in fifteen minutes. & yes it has been done a couple of times in my life. I see nothing wrong with it but others like to think otherwise. Anyway, I'll carry on with love of fashion another time; back to my job. I have a cushy job. First, my aunt is my boss. Seriously, what a joke. I make up my hours & come & go as I please. Second, I sit at a desk all day & scan documents. I scan useless documentation from closed files. Cases that happened years ago. On top of all of this I did even have to interview for this job. I just called up my aunt & said "do you have anything for me". Whether she did or not, she would have made up a position for me, like she did now. Yes, my position in this law firm is nonexistent. But my aunt loves me so much to make something up for me. Honestly, I don't have to work. I live at home with my beloved parents & they pay for everything. I pretty much work to keep myself busy so I don't bore myself to tears. & it wouldn't make a difference if I was home doing nothing or here because I'm just as bored. All work & no play makes Amanda a very dull girl.

I'm Amanda

I'm a city girl. & I'm very outspoken.