So I haven't written in this all week. I've done nothing but ponder about my life & things that I wanna say. It's kinda funny that I have this little blog going on. I really don't have this posted anywhere. I'm a pretty private person & I don't tell people much. There's only a select few that I tell everything to, which brings me to what I am about to write. So earlier this week, on Tuesday, I was pretty much up all night crying. I'm not much of a crier. I only cry when I'm angry, frustrated or being honest. & for some reason I cry when it comes to my best friend. For those who know me know who I'm talking about but he'll remain nameless for now. I don't feel the need to drop names. But back to what I was saying. My best friend, he means the world to me. & does he know this? I hope so. & if he doesn't? Damn. I'm a terrible best friend for not expressing it too often, but I think I do that enough. Anyway. I was sitting up in my bed the other night listening to Kesha thinking about everything between my best friend & I. & it just brought me to tears. Now he didn't do anything but be possibly the most amazing human being in my life, I just get sensitive & emotional when it comes to the kid. It just feels that recently this kid has put some walls up. I don't know why because he practically tells me everything & I do the same with him. We legit don't hold anything back. The door doesn't exist. Actually the door is taken off the hinges and the hinges don't exist on the frame. That's how open we are with each other. & it kinda hurts to even think that he's holding back from me because I have never thought to do that to him in this life or think that he'd do that to me. He doesn't have to tell me something's up, I just know. Like come on, I'm his best friend. He can fake a smile & I'll see right through it. I can just tell when there's something up. I don't know what's bothering him but he's probably over analyzing something & thinking about the past. He's known to think about the past. & we've been having some random awkward silences on the phone. I don't understand how this could be. We never have awkward silences. We always have something to say. Normally after awkward silences something honest comes out, & that hasn't happened. & if there's a random silence it's because I'm pissed at him or it's 2am & I'm falling asleep on the phone while he's driving back to his place. It actually feels like he wants to talk about something but doesn't know how to bring it up or how to say it. I've felt like this for a while with him. I just have so much to say to him that I need to get it off my chest. There are times that I think about these things that I wanna say to him before I go to sleep & it just makes me breakdown & cry. I really don't think he understand how much he means to me & how much I love him. From day one, he's changed my life & taught me a thing or two about myself that I never knew. He's the only person that was able to break through these walls that I have up. It's kinda shocking when you have a guard up & never let it down & someone comes out of left field & breaks down these walls. I guess what gets me the most was that he's never around. It kinda sucks when you look to your left & to your right, & your best friend isn't standing at your side. That's possibly the worst thing ever. I know I always have him. There are just sometimes when I need him the most & he's not physically here. He's always there for me don't get me wrong, it's just that sometimes you wish you had your best friend there so you can cry on their shoulder. I'm sure if we had it our way, we'd be hanging out together pretty much everyday having pizza, fries, & a milkshake watching hockey. Or he'd be teaching me how to work those beyond confusing xbox controllers. Or he'd be making fun of me which he always does. & of course, I'd be making fun of him right back with the many voices I use when I make fun of him. All he has on me is the way I say water. But yeah, I feel that things have kinda changed with my buddy. & I think I miss him more than he misses me. & if that's the case, then that sucks. It's definitely safe to say that I'm practically head over heels in love with my best friend. I have no shame in that. & I don't even care if he reads this at this point. Not like he hasn't looked at my stuff randomly to see what I'm doing. I have nothing to hide from him. But there are times that I feel that he wants to like catch me in a lie or something & say "she's no good". Like he's trying to find something wrong with me. I'm just gonna stop right here. There's too much to say. All I know is, I picked a good one & I let the right one in.
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