I've finally realized how pathetic you really are & how you're not good for me whatsoever.

I'm a brand new girl. Words can describe the joy & happiness I feel. I love my new life.

There's someone new & it's so exciting & refreshing.

I wanna feel pretty again. So I curled my hair. & that didn't work...

It's a brand new day.

I honestly don't believe in falling in love anymore. & that's sad for being a girl. But there's only so much one can do. I'm sick of crying, the hurting, the broken heart. It's time for me to figure out if I really wanna continue putting up with this or move on. I'm quite caught up in the middle. This experience has made me a stronger person; it has brought out the best in me. I don't think I've ever glowed & felt so beautiful in this life. I'm stuck on one. Like it's a beautiful thing falling for someone. It's not beautiful feeling constantly hurt. It's either I pick up the pieces or leave them on the floor & move on. I've started picking up these pieces & now I'm looking at the floor & saying to myself "Fuck, that's a lot of shit you have to pick up". My guard is back up & I don't plan on ever letting it down again. I think today shows me how stupid I've been to believe in something that's not a reality whatsoever. I don't ask for much, but I'm starting to realize I need to be more picky. Because being let down this is getting old. It's time to get rid of the bad & bring in all the good.

No sex before monogamy.

I could be so foolish.

I don't even know why I even stay optimistic about this situation. I should stop getting my hopes up over something that's never gonna happen. Looks like the joke is on me.

Forgot to tell you. I need money for the week.

What?

I really believe what just happened. I'm at loss for words. Seriously, what has happened in these pass few weeks? Everything was picture perfect. Well, I guess not. I'm gonna just sit in a corner & sob.

Worst birthday ever.

Enough said.

It's my birthday weekend.

I don't think I have never been so unexcited for my birthday in my life. There's not much to do for it anyway. Except I am going into the city today. Lamest birthday EVER.

It's been a long time.

So it has been a while since I posted on here. I guess I just forgot about this thing. Plus, I really don't like writing everything down. I feel that if I actually say what's on my mind it'll be better for my own good. But that hasn't happened lately. My best friend has disappeared from my life. I have my friends but I really don't have someone to pick my brain or speak to like I do with him. Him & I have a pretty special relationship in my eyes. I don't even know what he's thinking anymore. He legit won't talk to me. I'm completely destroyed. & it's not like I have anyone to really speak to anyway. Plus my birthday is soon & it's sucking already. I have nothing to do for my birthday weekend. What the hell?! I've always loved my birthday & now I'm starting to hate it. It's been shitty for the pass two years. I don't even ask for much either. I didn't even ask for anything for my birthday. I actually can't think of anything to ask for. Well, there is one thing but I don't feel like getting into that. Everything is just a downward spiral at this point. I keep feeling more & more alone as the days go by. I want my city life back. I love my city life. I never have much to worry about when I'm in that wonderful city Manhattan. I want my Starbucks & all those wonderful stores. I want hockey back. I want Entourage back. & I want Dexter. Okay, maybe I do ask for a little too much. But honestly, I just want sugar daddys & white roses for my birthday. Maybe that's a little too much as well. This summer was terrible. I did absolutely nothing but work. I went to like two shows. The only high light was that Jared Leto ran his fingers through my hair. & yes, I almost died. But I remembered to breathe! Which is a good thing. No asthma attacks were present. I just want my life back to the way it used to be. The daily phone calls & texts from my best friend, city life, my beloved friends tearing up Manhattan, the Starbucks. I want my simple city girl life. I'm starting to learn that I am asking for too much. I don't even wanna acknowledge my birthday at this point. I just want that day to pass & act like it never happened. The series of these crappy events over the pass couple of weeks have pretty much ruined everything. The drama, the lies, all the stupidity is just making me slowly but surely breakdown. & I don't think things will get better unless I get the apology & explanation that I want & deserve. Again, I'm asking for too much. I just need some cupcakes to make everything better. Damn, I haven't had cupcakes in ages when I actually think about it. Too bad that the cupcakes I eat are in MANHATTAN! What the hell am I still doing in Jersey?! I applied for Hunter College yesterday, & I am praying that I get in. God, that would be a gift from God if I go there. No more Jersey people, just straight up city kids living the life. & I hope to be living there no later than a year & a half of going to school in the city. Then I would FINALLY live the life I've always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. I've always wanted to go to school in the city, live in the city in the midst of it, have an amazing career in Manhattan, have this "prince charming" that they all mention in those fairy tales that I never really fell for. Well, expect "prince charming" wouldn't be there. Well I hope he would be down here by then. But at the rate everything is going, I don't even know what's going on anymore. Seriously, when is everything gonna go back to NORMAL?! I want my normal days back. UGH. I need to get out of this rut I'm in. I just wanna know when everything is going to be okay. My dude is falling apart. He doesn't have to tell me. I already know. & I can't doing anything about it since he's not speaking to me. Christ, I can't find anything to really do to make this stupid rut I'm in to go away. I need some form of escapism, & I need it fast.

So, yeah.

So in nine days I'll be in Boston which is totally exciting! Let the spontaneous adventures begin! I have still failed to start packing. I need to start that like ASAP. I believe I'll pack at least twenty outfits & like ten pairs of shoes. It's typical of me to over pack but it's better to over pack then under pack! Just sayin'. I'm just not excited to wake up at like 6:00 AM to catch my flight at 9:00 AM. It's a little early but it's completely worth it. I get to be with my favorite five two girl & do what we do best, shop. That's probably thee only exciting thing going on in my life right now. Everything else, kinda sucks. This weekend I decided to give up on what was going to be the best thing in my life. Is there something wrong with me?! Like seriously, why would I do such a thing to myself?! It's easier to throw in the towel than go through it. It wasn't until last night, it wasn't until one text, one simple text message that made me go, "you aren't getting rid of the best thing that's in your life, the one thing that makes you happy, the one thing that makes you smile everyday, the one thing that keeps you going, the one thing that makes you feel so alive." That's seriously the most irrational thing I have EVER thought of in my life. & I can be pretty irrational. But that was just over the top. It's so unnecessary to do this. But enough of that. I had this tragic scare of this fake midterm for my history class. I think I got like two hours of sleep last night. I was having nightmares about this thing, but it was a false alarm. I saw a couple of people today & exchanged a number. My statistics class is driving me up the wall. I may just possibly kill the poor kid that sits next to me. He's so damn obnoxious! GUH! I seriously need spring break like now. I need out of Jersey.

Someone who changed my life.

This red headed kid has completely changed my life. Little does he know. He's my best friend. He's my other half. He's my better half. It's strange to think how we've only known each other for a little over a year & we trust each other with our lives. He's the one person that I go to for everything. He has never told me once I couldn't do anything. He pushes me through everything & tell me to never give up. He pulls me through the mud to get through the worst. & he's always there to pick me up from the ground when I fall. Actually, he never let's me fall. He's always there to catch me before I hit the ground. He's the only one I can cry to. He's the only one I can tell everything to. He's stood by my side since day one & I know he's gonna be around forever. I seriously love this kid more than life itself. It's just the distance that kills us. But I know that one day, we'll eventually be able to have our pizza dates at hockey game with our milkshakes in hand. Seriously, this red head is my hero.

Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Fall 2011

Yesterday was the best Valentine's Day EVER. I do not celebrate this holiday ever. BUT! I was at Fashion Week! It's been a dream of mine for God knows how long to go to Fashion Week. & I finally had the opportunity to experience this yesterday. I won tickets to see one of my favorites, Betsey Johnson. That was a dream. I had chills the whole time. I was at a loss for words. Plus, I don't think I've ever been hit on so much on my life. & I kinda didn't care for it. I would have much rather been in my boxers laying next someone who means the world to me. But yeah. Being at those tents was amazing. Everything kinda took my breath away. The VIP lounge, the designers, the PRs, the swag bag, the music, the runway, the collections, Betsey; I fell in love with fashion all over again. I knew going there would make me second guess all my decisions that I'm starting to make with my life. I was starting to believe that I was just taking the easy way out & not challenging myself, which is what I love doing. I just can't wait for September so I can make my second attempt of experiencing this fabulous event that makes me numb & in the utter most bliss. Mercedes Benz Fashion Week tents, I'll see you in a couple of months.

"Now is not the time to be scared, now is the time to be full of courage."

-- Kelly Cutrone

On to the next one!

There really hasn't been much to day lately. Except I've lost more weight; I went down yet another size. & I like to believe that last week & this weekend had much to do with this. Friday completely sucked. I was sick to my stomach & I didn't eat a damn thing that day. I kept waking up shivering in cold sweat. I haven't been drenched in cold sweat in almost two years. & there was no night terror involved this time. It was complete nerves & stress this time. But that's all over & done with, so I have nothing to necessarily worry about anymore. Oh. & the male population in the Metropolitan area can go choke on something sharp. I can't stand any of you at this moment. Seriously, don't even bro. I'm obviously wasting my time. UGH.

Lemon-Lime Gatorade.

It seems to be that I always write in this thing when I have one of my comfort drinks. Yes, people have comfort foods & I have both. It's ironic that the majority of the time when I write in this, I have a cup of coffee in hand. & yeah, that's exactly like why I quoted Death Cab for my title. I feel that people are more honest when they have something that's comforting to them. & mine happens to be coffee but I'm not drinking coffee at the moment. I'm sipping on that nasty stuff they call lemon-lime Gatorade. As of Sunday night, everything has been a downward spiral. I'm not gonna get into Sunday & Monday. I just don't think I have ever been so worried in my life for someone. Anyway. Over the pass couple of days, my life has changed. I lost a pretty lame & shitty friend. A couple of old friends have returned in my life. & life is kinda sticky at the moment. I've literally lost I don't know how many friends in the past year. Not like I'm complaining. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm content with the way my life is. & it's safe to say that all but one of these friendships didn't end on my terms. I guess people can't handle my honest opinion. If you don't wanna heard the truth, don't ask. Simple as that. But it's good that I've cut these people out. They've done nothing but bring me down. I just keep walking with my head held high ninety-five percent of the time. Of course there's a five percent that makes me rethink my life. But honestly I can't complain. I pretty much have all I need: school, my family, my friends, & my lifestyle. & obviously people are too sensitive to handle my mouth. I never hold back. I've never done that in my life. So why start now? I'm just not gonna cater to anyone. I'm not changing my ways to please you. Yep. I've got some serious balls, I know. But then again, I don't have any courage when it comes to be honest with my feelings. I guess it evens out perfectly. But then again, perfection doesn't exist in this life. But yeah, this hell week needs to end. I'm so glad I have Entourage to somewhat clear my mind. It's something about those boys that make me crack up. Plus I have hockey. & we established that hockey is my cure to everything. My uncle needs to get those tickets ASAP so I can be numb again.

My mind has been enabled by a memory you overflowed.

I'm the Cowardly Lion.

Last night, I came to realize why I'm not sleeping at night & bawling my eyes out: I don't have the courage to say the things that I wanna say. This might be hard to believe. I'm the type of girl that has more balls than guys the majority of the time. I'm a firecracker. I got something to say & say it. I don't have hair on my tongue, so to speak. I noticed that I don't have courage when I wanna be brutally honest when it comes to how I feel. There's just so much I wanna say to a specific person. Every time I tell myself that I'm gonna say what I wanna say, I always back down. It shouldn't be hard to say what I wanna say, I trust this person with my life. There's just something holding me back. I'm scared of him. Now this shouldn't be, but it's not like a bad scare. I guess you can say it's a good scare in a way. But then again how can being scared of someone be a good thing? I just get scared when I wanna be honest with someone & put my heart on the table for you to look & poke at. But being that honest makes you vulnerable. & I don't like being vulnerable whatsoever. I know the more I push back saying how of feel the more it's going to bother me. I just gotta figure out how I'm gonna have the balls to say something. Only time will tell.

Boy, I love hockey.

I found my escapism: hockey. Last week and this weekend wasn't the best for me & I needed escapism. My escapism was last night at one of my favorite places in the world, Madison Square Garden. My first hockey game was a success I should say. I was beyond close, I was on TV, I saw my Marc Staal in the flesh, I had men in hockey uniforms, I fist pumped like a champ & screamed like a dude, & I managed to make a professional hockey player blush. Those seats were beyond amazing. Fifth row behind Rangers bench. Now I'm not a Rangers fan, but still that is something to freak out over. Never did I think in a million years my first hockey game would be at the Garden with those seats. Our seats were so good & expensive that we had a waiter. That's right, we didn't have to get up for food. Which is pretty kick ass, makes you feel like a spoiled rich kid not gonna lie. & our waiter totally ignored us thee entire game. She definitely thought I was like fifteen & waiting for my mommy & daddy to come bring me food. This woman would legit look at me & then walk away. If she was waiting for me to wave my hand & ask for food, that wasn't gonna happen. That's beyond rude to look at waiter & say get me food. She went up to everyone else but us. She was starving poor children! It wasn't like I was hungry anyway. I was way to nervous to eat something. I was calmer than expected & I didn't pass out. Even though the Rangers lost 4-3, it was still a pretty good game. They had a rough start in the beginning like always but they eventually picked up the slack in the third like they always do. & I have to say Marc Staal possibly has one of the prettiest head of red hair that I have seen in a while. I was completely jealous of how bright & red that hair was. It was gorgeous! Plus he was checking guys like the hard hitter that he is. He made me so proud! & of course I had to make my mark by making poor Mats Zuccarello blush! I still feel bad about that to this moment. Little Mats is really short for a hockey player. We're talking 5'7" over here. So when he went to the wall to get over to sit on the bench, he was so short that he had to put his chest down first then put one leg on the wall & then hop so he can get the other leg over. Of course, I, out of all the people in the world would sit there & point this out. So there was one point in the game that he was looking up & I was showing one of the girls what he had to do to get over the wall. & of course, he turned brighter than a tomato! He probably thought I was making fun of him when I actually thought it was the cutest thing on the planet. The poor kid would look at me every time he would come back to the bench & he would go through the door. Now that's embarrassing on both of our parts. But only would I get a professional hockey player to blush! & of course I was nervous as all hell. I watch hockey like it's a horror film. It's quite hilarious. I always think the worst of the worst is gonna happen to these guys, even though they have like the most amount of protective gear on. But all was well! I screamed like a dude & fist pumped like a champ. & I got my pizza from my favorite pizza shop in Manhattan on 46th. That was possibly thee best white slice I have ever had in this life time. It was love on a slice. Last night was pure bliss. It was something I needed to clear my head & make me feel absolutely at ease. Obviously I would have a few changes but those changes are gonna happen for a while. So I'll just have wait forever to have my perfect hockey game at the Garden: my best friend at my side, Rangers v. Bruins, fist pumping like a champ, pizza, nachos, pepsi, screaming like a dude, & high fiving & hand hugging with my buddy. But I'm obviously gonna have to keep dreaming. God knows where that kid is gonna move next. For all I know kid can be planning on move to the opposite side of the globe. Anyway enough of that. All I have to say is, I love hockey.

Something's missing & I don't know what it is.

Let the right one in.

So I haven't written in this all week. I've done nothing but ponder about my life & things that I wanna say. It's kinda funny that I have this little blog going on. I really don't have this posted anywhere. I'm a pretty private person & I don't tell people much. There's only a select few that I tell everything to, which brings me to what I am about to write. So earlier this week, on Tuesday, I was pretty much up all night crying. I'm not much of a crier. I only cry when I'm angry, frustrated or being honest. & for some reason I cry when it comes to my best friend. For those who know me know who I'm talking about but he'll remain nameless for now. I don't feel the need to drop names. But back to what I was saying. My best friend, he means the world to me. & does he know this? I hope so. & if he doesn't? Damn. I'm a terrible best friend for not expressing it too often, but I think I do that enough. Anyway. I was sitting up in my bed the other night listening to Kesha thinking about everything between my best friend & I. & it just brought me to tears. Now he didn't do anything but be possibly the most amazing human being in my life, I just get sensitive & emotional when it comes to the kid. It just feels that recently this kid has put some walls up. I don't know why because he practically tells me everything & I do the same with him. We legit don't hold anything back. The door doesn't exist. Actually the door is taken off the hinges and the hinges don't exist on the frame. That's how open we are with each other. & it kinda hurts to even think that he's holding back from me because I have never thought to do that to him in this life or think that he'd do that to me. He doesn't have to tell me something's up, I just know. Like come on, I'm his best friend. He can fake a smile & I'll see right through it. I can just tell when there's something up. I don't know what's bothering him but he's probably over analyzing something & thinking about the past. He's known to think about the past. & we've been having some random awkward silences on the phone. I don't understand how this could be. We never have awkward silences. We always have something to say. Normally after awkward silences something honest comes out, & that hasn't happened. & if there's a random silence it's because I'm pissed at him or it's 2am & I'm falling asleep on the phone while he's driving back to his place. It actually feels like he wants to talk about something but doesn't know how to bring it up or how to say it. I've felt like this for a while with him. I just have so much to say to him that I need to get it off my chest. There are times that I think about these things that I wanna say to him before I go to sleep & it just makes me breakdown & cry. I really don't think he understand how much he means to me & how much I love him. From day one, he's changed my life & taught me a thing or two about myself that I never knew. He's the only person that was able to break through these walls that I have up. It's kinda shocking when you have a guard up & never let it down & someone comes out of left field & breaks down these walls. I guess what gets me the most was that he's never around. It kinda sucks when you look to your left & to your right, & your best friend isn't standing at your side. That's possibly the worst thing ever. I know I always have him. There are just sometimes when I need him the most & he's not physically here. He's always there for me don't get me wrong, it's just that sometimes you wish you had your best friend there so you can cry on their shoulder. I'm sure if we had it our way, we'd be hanging out together pretty much everyday having pizza, fries, & a milkshake watching hockey. Or he'd be teaching me how to work those beyond confusing xbox controllers. Or he'd be making fun of me which he always does. & of course, I'd be making fun of him right back with the many voices I use when I make fun of him. All he has on me is the way I say water. But yeah, I feel that things have kinda changed with my buddy. & I think I miss him more than he misses me. & if that's the case, then that sucks. It's definitely safe to say that I'm practically head over heels in love with my best friend. I have no shame in that. & I don't even care if he reads this at this point. Not like he hasn't looked at my stuff randomly to see what I'm doing. I have nothing to hide from him. But there are times that I feel that he wants to like catch me in a lie or something & say "she's no good". Like he's trying to find something wrong with me. I'm just gonna stop right here. There's too much to say. All I know is, I picked a good one & I let the right one in.

When you grow a pear, you can call me back.

Sheer boredum.

I have nothing else better to do with my life besides watch hockey & Entourage. I seriously need to find something to do in my life to keep me entertained. I decorated the friendaversary notebook last night. & that took me about two hours but it was all worth it. That notebook is a knock out devoured in glitter! I knew that nail polish was gonna come in handy one day. Anyway. So I'm watching the Rangers game. I still can't believe that next week I'm going to a Rangers game. It's my first hockey game at the Garden with amazing seats. Yeah I'm gonna pass out for sure. I can't wait to first pump like a champ, freeze, eat nasty food & scream at the top of my lungs. It's gonna be a good time.

Come hungry, leave happy.

Today was completely unsuccessful. My aunt calls me to run an errand to go to Barnes & Noble. Totally made me happy when she told me that except that she wanted me to get her sex books? Now this wasn't awkward whatsoever. It was absolutely hilarious. My aunt would ask me to do such a thing. Gotta love the woman. But getting those books were scratched out & she wanted me to get this other book that is like nonexistent. So I made a trip down to 54th for no reason. But! On the bright side I got my cupcake from Crumbs! A red velvet cupcake to be exact. My absolute favorite. & after work I made a trip to one of my favorite places in the world, the NHL store. Oh my love for hockey! I went in with the mindset of getting a Penguins hoodie & of course, right next to the Pens hoodie was the Bruins hoodie. I was so indecisive of which to get. On top of that I was unsure of my size. I wasn't sure if I wanted the medium or the large. & it wasn't like I had enough time to try them on. So I got completely frustrated & left the store empty handed. Which I never do! I always leave that store with something in hand. I either leave with some wonderful hockey merch or with a cup of Starbucks in hand. Which the cup of Starbucks didn't happen either because I was so frustrated over the hoodie I was dreaming out all week. So I'm getting this hoodie on Tuesday when I have time to look around & try things on. I don't know which one to get. Knowing me, I'll get both of them. As well, I keep chickening out. I have never in my life chickened out so much. & the worst part about it's with my best friend. I never chicken with this kid in my life. I'm always open with my buddy & never second guess saying anything. But now I am? I don't get this. So if I speak to this child tonight, I'm not gonna chicken out for like the fifth time in a row. But still! I can't believe I'm chickening out. It's kinda bothering me. But on the bright side of all this madness aside from my cupcake, IHOP is for dinner. I'm so excited to have pancakes & egg white for dinner. Every time I go to IHOP it makes me think of the Breakfast Monkey. Best three minute cartoon I have ever seen in my life. But yeah, pancakes & egg whites for dinner equals there's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy.

I hate my job.

So I have this pathetic excuse of what I call a job. I can't complain. I work in the city. But the only enjoyment I get out of working at this law firm is the forty-five minutes bus ride into Manhattan, the twenty minute walk from Port Authority to 3rd Ave & that I have Starbucks right around the corner from me. Oh, & of course I love that cash that worsens my shopping addiction. & seriously, my love for shopping is a bit of a problem. Just ask my best friend about it. I can drop over 250 in fifteen minutes. & yes it has been done a couple of times in my life. I see nothing wrong with it but others like to think otherwise. Anyway, I'll carry on with love of fashion another time; back to my job. I have a cushy job. First, my aunt is my boss. Seriously, what a joke. I make up my hours & come & go as I please. Second, I sit at a desk all day & scan documents. I scan useless documentation from closed files. Cases that happened years ago. On top of all of this I did even have to interview for this job. I just called up my aunt & said "do you have anything for me". Whether she did or not, she would have made up a position for me, like she did now. Yes, my position in this law firm is nonexistent. But my aunt loves me so much to make something up for me. Honestly, I don't have to work. I live at home with my beloved parents & they pay for everything. I pretty much work to keep myself busy so I don't bore myself to tears. & it wouldn't make a difference if I was home doing nothing or here because I'm just as bored. All work & no play makes Amanda a very dull girl.

I'm Amanda

I'm a city girl. & I'm very outspoken.